Cacophony

july 28th

what the fuck is even happening

july 21st

WHY CAN'T I FEEL NORMAL FOR MORE THAN 24 HOURS!?!

july 19th

my legal software class makes me want to bang my head into a wall......... god.... but its ok im ok

got my photos back from my CA trip and uploaded them to my photography page:) i'm so happy with them. a lot of them are pics of friends so i'm not uploading too many out of like privacy reasons but it's nice to look back at all of the pics and just feel warm n fuzzy thinking about my pals.. feeling warm n fuzzy today despite the various annoyances i've had to endure (foiled brunch plans, world cup insanity, stupid homework). i got good sleep lastnight heh =w=

july 15th

i should change this blog to a zonelets widget so that i'm not just editing my html file for each update but i am laaaaaaaazy

anyways the sad came back :( i wish i wasn't working tonight but maybe something fun or nice will happen..i just want to rot in bed and be sad but it's good to put on a happy face and try to exist in the world sometimes.. i have some fun times happening this weekend with jules and with the girls from work and i'm going to try my hardest to rally and be peppy for all of that.. the gears are turning for getting a psych appt on the books as well as getting connected with a pcp for my asthma and bc.. i googled "i feel sad and sleepy and dissociated when i'm in my apartment" and guess what unfortunately it's just depression and not black mold or psychic warfare or anything less mundane than my brain just being unable to keep itself from malfunctioning. okay i'm gonna be late gtg

july 14th

just got back from two weeks in CA :) i want to make my life here more fun and less claustrophobic.. kind of figuring out how i'm going to do that one step at a time. how do i make things less mundane when so much of my time is dominated by work and school.... howdoidoit...... eek. :p

in slightly awful news my laptop crashed while i was on the plane home trying to start some homework and despite my best efforts i basically had to just reinstall windows and my impatient ass decided i only really needed to save my ts2cc and the rest of the data could just go like fresh start right except i forgot i had basically all of my digital art from the last year+ saved on my desktop.. then i remembered i have this site and let out a small sigh of relief but still i'm missing some WIPs.. nothing that was particularly groundbreaking but i also lost some writing projects too >,< thankfully the longform writing i'm working on is saved on G drive but i did lose my notepad file with all my erotica stuff on it... i've been paranoid about cloud storage stuff when it comes to that and i'm kind of kicking myself for that now. oh well... at least i didn't lose my excessive custom content folder for my favorite 25 year old dollhouse game :p i didn't save my neighborhood folders tho which is whatever because i like starting from scratch anyways (aka i barely even play the game i just like to make cute sims and build houses lololol)

i might do a late night grocery store run after class, i really want some sparkling waters (and need eggs, granola, etc etc) and it's too hot to go out during the day without my car overheating.. aggh i feel like my life is so low budget (because it literally is) and i'm over it... living alone is so expensive but i hate people too much to have roommates.... BLAHH. i want to get a second job that doesn't make me want to kill myself. sorry ...but i hate bartending it is such a fake and gay profession.. so i'm keeping my eye out for easy zero effort remote/hybrid part time jobs which are obviously not the easiest to find -_- nevertheless i persist. i picked up a shift tomorrow kms kms kms kms kms kms..... it's okay though i will live.........whatever's meant for me will come to me in due time ( ˘ ³˘)♥

june 28th

i feel lucky to be a part of the last generations of people who can conjure lucid memories of what life was like before the internet. when you think about its advent on a global narrative scale it's so obvious that the world is different in a way that will never be the same. cat's out of the bag. all of a sudden one day every single person on the entire planet could communicate with one another contemporaneously, and life just continues for ever after that. insane. how much worse is it all gonna get lol

june 26th

i basically died the last two days but i'm like 90% normal now. not really well enough to gym womp womp but well enough that i can probably enjoy my weekend plans without having to suffer dayquil dissociation in public. i'm making so many stamps lately it's a perfect mindless digital craft that i can do while i watch more true crime. i'm realizing i like the neuroscience/psychiatrist guy so much because he does basically zero backstory on any of the cases he talks about. one of my biggest youtube video essay pet peeves is taking it all back to the dawn of time for any subject matter.. but that also makes me wonder like oohhh god am i fucked because i don't need literally any backstory to know the broad strokes for all of these heinous crimes.. whatever i'm not going to think into it too deeply. maybe i'm overthinking because i just watched red rooms whose plot is essentially The Perils of Being An Internet True Crime Girl. it's not looking good folks.... whatever could be worse. going to work on blog updates tonight.. i want to add a changelog and some webring type shit i also want to make a custom stamp for MY BLOGGGGGG bc i've seen other people do it and it's just kind of cool to have a personal brand. i went to movie madness at like the ELEVENTH AND A HALF hour last night and grabbed two random movies, completing forgetting that i wanted to rewatch a series of unfortunate events (NPH ver.) this weekend. i literally don't have cash whatsoever right now so i'm kind of stuck with welcome to the dollhouse and party monster while i long for my 100th rewatch of asoue. not bad choices all things considered.

one of my classes this quarter has been delayed by my professor's botched travel plans or something so i have an extra week off from that, and i've completed my homework due for week 1 for my other classes so i'm big chilleng. =W= going to renfaire tomorrow and a bday party (lol knock on wood, i flaked on the last 2) on sunday. it's like everyone is having their birthday all the time. chill out people.....

june 24th

deliriously sick, napping on and off all day, i'm out of sick time so this is the best anyone is going to get okay.. anyways i'm on the internet all day loling. pondering the real stuff like is it more virtuous to be a perv or a slut? i relapsed on reading scary twitter accounts. i have get more offline i have to get more offline *bonking self in head* also i'm so dissociated from cough medicine and penjamin and probable fever and intermittent sleep. also i flaked on my Everything AGAIN but i am sick and it's also ninety degrees and being outside sounds insane right now. i made this stamp and i'm gonna redownload ow so i can play w/ oleander sometime soon.. i made a huge bowl of pasta salad that has Fruit and Vegetables in it (needed) and i'll start my third cup of tea in a second here.. i feel like i'm being attacked by air....

oh also this week i am kind of obsessed with this very somber sort of monotone psychiatrist guy on youtube who psychoanalyzes serial killers, mass murderers, family annihilators, etc. on that note it's so awful to say but the term '______ annihilator' goees so hard and we should co-opt it for other use cases because it just sounds so sick. tough that it's most commonly used to describe our most cowardly dregs of society :U ah well.. anyways he dives pretty deep into freudian psychoanalysis along with a psychiatric assessment and sort of explains how this person may have come to where they were through a mixture of their biology and their psyche.. it's really interesting. it's sort of kicked off this intrigue into just.. mental illness in general, i guess, but particularly the specific experiences of people with schizophrenia, the prodromal phase before the first pyschotic break, the way that large releases of dopamine create meaning out of the meaningless. very fascinating stuff, and my stress levels are relatively low so it's not triggering my ocd too badly :p one and two videos of his i really liked. in the outro to the nick reiner video, he signs off by saying "i'm sorry we had to speak under these circumstances." ...the drama..!!!

june 17th

last night's dream has been haunting me all day. i read something yesterday that said when you dream, you are every person in the dream. i've been thinking about it all day. my dream wasn't so far from realities i've lived which is what made it so uncanny. i woke up with the feeling that something terrible had happened, that everything was ruined, and it was singularly my fault.

june 15th

watching salad fingers complete series and waiting for my cat to be ready to come inside

it's crazy how like everything is a statement in surveillance world. the cognitive dissonance required to be publicly online while also being someone who feels exhausted by the weight of the other's gaze is no longer tolerable. i feel infected by other people's thoughts and opinions and words filling my head from basically the moment i wake up to the moment i sleep. i feel so afraid of getting stupider and losing my mind (for lack of a better term) and I'm sure constant saturation with meaningless bullshit isn't good for the brain. so i am leaning into blogging more to scratch the itch to share and to engage in internet culture, but there are some key differences. mainly, i can only blog from my laptop. i deleted IG from my phone (so i don't have constant access to internet [redacted]) a couple days ago but today i deactivated because it's just not worth it. if people forget about me because they can't creep on me whenever they want, so be it.

despite the relative decline in my social life, being back in school has actually felt like such a good conduit to direct my energy towards that gives me a sense of meaning and accomplishment. it's all completely prescribed- do this assignment, take this quiz, answer this discussion post. in a way, the deeper thinking part of my brain has been stimulated ,mostly by the law classes, but it also feels relatively rote and simple. so, now that the quarter is over, i have more space in my mind to think and feel and be and it's leaving me feeling somewhat unmoored. i like to stay busy, it keeps me.. sane, i guess. that feels like an overstatement but i'll roll with it. i find my free time usually just gets filled up with tending to my friendships, which feels nice at times but also sometimes i just say yes so that i'm not forgotten about. that's sort of sad. :/ it's such a dangerous dream to entertain- wanting to be missed and wanting to be forgotten at the same time. how could you ever be happy wanting that? you either go up in flames and become missed but never forgotten, or waste away to become forgotten but never missed.

it does feel unbelievable that i've lived here for a year. at times, i feel particularly proud of the growth and all the changes and everything i've done for myself here. i can say i don't think this was a mistake. i now understand the whole, 'wherever you go, there you are' thing.. the angst i felt in CA mirrors the angst i feel here. i'm not really sure where i stand on staying here past graduation. that's another year here, at least, maybe more depending on what work looks like by then. distance makes the heart grow fonder, and i have been feeling especially fond of CA lately, and have felt so much fomo seeing my old friends together, enjoying their lives and forging new connections and making memories. i'm doing that too, before i get too ahead of myself. most of all, i just miss the simplicity of my life back then. it just feels like every aspect of my life has increased in complexity and difficulty, across essentially every realm. i have to keep reminding myself that pressure makes diamonds.. but i don't feel that i have the knowledge or tools to complete that transmutation just yet. so for now, it's just pressure. am i moving on too quickly in life? lately i struggle remaining here in the now, and i know that can sort of exacerbate my anxiety, which exists as a constant dull hum in the back of my mind, like a fly tapping against a pane of glass.

this circles me back to pursuing moments where i feel completely present in body and mind. i guess gym does that for me but god i feel like such a boring freak ass person telling people their favorite thing to do lately is go to the gym.. ugh.. but i just don't want to engage in any of the social aspects of any other physical activity. going back to volleyball sounds nightmarish right now. obviously, my perspective is skewed antisocial right now. maybe this is a subconscious preparation mechanism for my trip to CA coming up in a few weeks. i have this perception that it'll be social onslaught, but i'm comforting myself with the notion that i will just only spend time with people i actually want to see. duh.

which leads me to this line of thought i've been revisiting all week, which is the practice of giving and receiving feedback that feels both radically honest and measured. i think it's easy to swing too far into one or the other, or to just avoid it altogether, which is the direction i've leaned in for most of my adult life. does everything dictate a response? no. how do i draw the line on what needs to be said and what can be handled internally? i get this sense that the avoidance is a selfish way to resolve my problems completely internally, without having to consider the impact that my avoidance may have on the other pary. still, it all goes back to this deeply flawed mechanism of saying nothing and carrying on with a war raging inside of you. the ability to push mental unpleasantness away becomes maladaptive at a certain point. in fact, doing that too much can sometimes have the opposite effect on me- the harder i push a thought away, the more all-consuming it becomes. i'm frightening myself just thinking about that. i have so much to cover with my therapist and i'm trying to get some other things in order so i can mentally take a load off, but it will be a while before the gears start turning and we have motion.

i think i'm finally getting sleepy.

It's strange how you're sometimes forced to assume an unsympathetic view of yourself through borrowed eyes. - thomas ligotti

june 14th

recusing myself from social activities for the time being. i'm tired of being around people.. i'm just going to stay in til next weekend, i think. i just want to spend my time reading, listening to music, working on this site, watching movies, etc.. i just feel super introverted right now and need to let that part of me have its space until the feeling passes. this post-spring dread hits me every year. i think i hate summer. maybe i'd hate it less if i had air conditioning... x_X

june 13th

i feel this inescapable and recurring sense of being a total waste of air but then again maybe i'm being a bit too harsh on myself who can really judge i think i do alright for myself but sometimes i wonder why i feel the need to justify my existence by creating or contributing to something with value meaning beauty etc when it seems so clear to me that the same shouldn't be required of other people and then all these questions start arising such as why do i consider myself exempt from the admittedly perhaps overly generous standards i hold others to and why do i question myself so rigorously without ever coming to any conclusions beyond just accepting that i will live with that sense of inadequacy forever and was there ever a time i didn't feel it i think yes but were those moments of lucidity or delusion it's so frustrating to feel like i can not always trust my senses or my own perspective on things. i have so much to do tomorrow and yet here i am staying up so late doing little aside from exacerbating my own doomerism. i need to read a book or something. sometimes i feel like the real me is buried under so many layers of self-preservation and i wonder what it would be like to be someone who is normal like someone who doesn't anxiety spiral about the most random shit ever. how do you make yourself stop worrying about something you can't definitively prove won't happen? is that not an impossible task?

anyways in less neurotic news today i got coffee and went to the gym and cleaned my house up a bit and rode my bike and talked to kk on the phone and watched a 3 hour long movie and worked on my site and watched urbex. i ate yogurt with granola and blueberries and raspberries, leftover broth with rice, a bagel with cottage cheese, and 2 maybe 3 lacey cookies, i drank a lot of water and i took a fiber supplement and creatine today, have been battling a bit of a headache so i had some ibuprofen and tylenol oh and a beer as well